NYSS - An Abortion of New York Sports Journalism

Past A Dying Punchline: The Week In Pinstripes for 06/15

This Week's Picture - "The GrandyMan" 2010, 8"x10" pen & ink. $45


Before we begin... Another friendly reminder to join my "Put CM's art in Yankee Stadium" facebook page.


YES! I"M ALIVE!!! Jesus Christ... I couldn't even keep up the weekly format for the first goddamn month. It's FUCKING JUNE and I'm only just getting to my third installment now. HORRIBLE. Poor form on my part, and I apologize to the two or three of you sociopaths who were actually looking forward to the next one.


The truth is, I just moved from the Jersey Shore up to Jersey City, and although I do draw a modicum of money from my efforts as a comedian and illustrator, I still need one of those goddamn dayjobs to make sure I can afford such modern luxuries as food and a place to live. Like many other people in the art and entertainment field, the only dayjob I'm particularly qualified for is a bartender. I found a nice place to work part-time, but, wouldn't you just know it, the last few weeks saw them a bit short of staff and me with an overabundance of barshifts. Between that and me trying to show my face at as many comedy shows/open mics as possible to establish myself a bit in the big, bad city, I was dead to the world by the time Sunday rolled around and I had to put this thing together.


The last two weeks in particular annoyed the hell out of me because, after being out of the Yankee loop a bit, I actually got to watch some games and had a shitload of jokes and opinions to spring on you kids. Alas, my jokes about Ian O'Connor's Jeter book and a possible Godfather II scenario with Cashman as Michael and Posada as Fredo are lost to the ages. My Mets jokes I'll just save till we play them at Dodgers Stadium Citi Field.


Speaking of the Mets, here's how little I've been able to pay attention to the sports world outside of Yankees updates: I didn't know until this past Mets/Yankees series that the Mets manager is not only named Terry Collins, but is also white! I had no idea! What else have I missed? Are we still keeping up with the Kardashians? How wide are we wearing our lapels now? If the aliens have landed, are they friendly? Are they hot? You know, in that whole "just paint the chick green and let Kirk bang her" sort of way?


However, I have finally worked my schedule out so that I will have plenty of time away from the bar to work on my silly jokes and my pretty pictures. I specifically made sure to have every Sunday off so that I can record my podcast and do this li'l weekly recap for all you special, unique snowflakes out in Yankeeland.


Sooooooooo... HOW 'BOUT THEM YANKEES?!?! Despite all logic, reason, and PECOTA mathematicry, we find our Beloved Bombers perched atop the AL East an entire week after Memorial Day. All of this despite apparently being held together with scotch tape and bubble gum, keeping around a catcher-cum-DH who's been dead since the George W. Bush administration, and our second best pitcher not only being the love child of Chico Marx and Luca Brazi but also in his late hundreds.


And, YES, I am fully aware that the last sentence was not a complete sentence but merely a sentence fragment, but did you really want to read a sentence over 70 words long??? No. No, you did not. It had to be broken up somehow, and a period is the best way I knew how to do it. Listen, I'm not getting paid to write this and you're not paying to read this. Why must we be so beholden to old rules? I write the way I talk. I'm expanding on ideas. I'm shaking things up here, people! Like Joyce with Ulysses!!


For this week's picture, I decided to go with a pen and ink drawing I did of Curtis Granderson, merely because I did it right after the Mets series when he was Michael Jackson-in-a-Pepsi-commercial on fire, and I didn't have time to do a new one. If I did, I probably would have gone with Mark Teixeira.


Is this guy living the life right now or what? On a first place team with nine home runs in his last sixteen games, a gold glove, a World Series ring, millions of dollars, and a sweet little piece of ass wife... All of this despite looking like the kid you'd convince to drink your milk after you blew a snot rocket into it. The guy doesn't look a damn thing like a slugger who strikes fear into opposing teams, and yet, here he is, on top of the world. Good for him.


Although I do still have to double-check the spelling of his name every time I type it. I don't have to do that with the Kardashians, Mark! And, I don't even watch their show. Seriously, Tex. Simplify that name. You've got more E-I, E-I's than the Farmer In The Dell. It's tough to keep straight.


Honestly, as I said, I don't have too much to say about the team right now, so I'm going to wrap this up soon. Before I do, I want to mention that I'll be at the Stadium from Tuesday to Friday night. For the Red Sox series I'll be outside signing limited edition giclees of the Derek Jeter "Thank The Good Lord" painting that accompanied my first write-up. Ten percent of the proceeds will go to Derek's Turn 2 Foundation, and ten percent will go to your ol' pal Craiggers. I have to say, when I saw these things I was really impressed. I know what the original looks like better than anyone, and these are great reproductions, on stretched canvas, ready for hanging. It will look like you have the original in your home.


On Friday, I won't be hocking any wares outside. I'll actually be sitting in the bleachers with my friend, and fellow comic, Ray DeVito, who's not only one of the best comics working NYC right now, but also a huge Indian fan and great shit-talker. It should be fun. And, it's Jorge Posada figurine night!


I've got some more thoughts on the whole Jorge Posada situation, but I'll save it for another day. I don't want to end my first post back in over a month ripping my fellow fans. Right now I'm just hoping he either turns it around before the All-Star break or just decides to hang up the spikes for good. It's getting painful to watch, like when my last dog was near the end and we had to help him up the stairs. Unlike many current Yankee fans, however, I was in no rush to put him down.


And, now.... PLUGS!!!


Follow me on twitter at @craigmahoney




Sun, June 12th, 9pm

Jack's Goal Line Stand

149 Brighton Ave

Long Branch, NJ


Fri, June 17th, 10pm

New York Comedy Club

241 E 24th St

New York, NY


Sat, June 18th, 9pm


555 Washington Blvd

Jersey City, Nj


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Comment by NYsportsGUY on June 6, 2011 at 10:45am

Let me answer your questions...


Terry Collins is actually a native american/Portuguese mix...Kim Kardashian got engaged to a role player on the Nets who looks like a castoff from MTV's "The Grind"...lapels are mad wide now, yo...The aliens are sooo effin hot but they all festering cases of trichinosis so you gotta weigh the risk/reward there


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