NYSS - An Abortion of New York Sports Journalism

After extensive interviews with multiple sources close to the situation, NYsportSpace has learned that Sandy Alderson, 62, will be the next GM of YOUR New York Mets. Alderson, who spent the last decade working for MLB in various capacities, was one of the earliest GMs to adopt sabermetric principles, and was a mentor to God-like supergenius (and current A’s GM) Billy Beane.

What should Alderson do with New York’s most sorry-ass baseball team? Here is a close approximation of how Sandy’s first day with the Mets will go:

October 30, 2010

7:00: Arrive at Citi Field after sitting in 45 minutes of traffic on Astoria Blvd. Wait 15 minutes outside security gate for credentials misplaced by Jeff Wilpon.

7:20: Exit elevator and head down hallway toward office. Walk past office, on which hangs nothing a cheap plastic nameplate holder and a picture of Aaron Heilman.

7:21: Get redirected by a cocaine-fueled, Xbox playing Jimmy Wilpon, Jeff’s nephew, who appears to have not slept in 4 days.

7:22: Make mental note to halve Jimmy’s salary.

7:23: Enter office to find:

1. Several 5-foot high stacks of cardboard filing boxes, all marked “Mets Stuff.”.

2. Giant voodoo doll labeled “Fred.”

3. Photoshopped poster of 2007 and 2008 standings.

4. Pristine copy of Bill James’s “Baseball Abstract.”

7:25: Sit down at desk. Open desk drawers to find:

1. Oliver Perez rookie card with devil horns and a Hitler mustache doodled on the face.

2. Glossy 8x10 of a grinning, shirtless Tony Bernazard.

3. Well-thumbed English-to-Spanish pocket dictionary.

4. “Thank you” note from wife of Luis Castillo.

7:30: Wonder if it’s too early for scotch.

9:00: Begin first meeting with Jeff and Fred Wilpon and other team executives. Mentally go over notes; change the culture, keep players who want to be here, part ways with players who don’t, etc.

9:44: Allowed to speak for first time. Begin to address management team before being cut off by Jeff Wilpon, who asks Fred if he has anything to say before Sandy starts.

10:04: Catatonic in midst of Fred’s detailed analysis of last week’s “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney.”

10:07: Difficult to keep eyes open.

10:19: Decide to have a glass of scotch at 12:01.

11:00: Return to office. Pour scotch. Chug immediately.

12:00: Order lunch from Shake Shack.

12:30: Realize Shake Shack will be best part of job.

12:50: Organize notes for one-on-one meeting with Jeff Wilpon:

1. Waive Oliver Perez and Luis Castillo.

2. Fire entire medical staff.

3. Hire a staff of savvy, young statisticians to improve organizational grasp of sabremetric principles.

4. Lower ticket prices across the board while promising fans not to raise them until team improves.

5. Hire proven manager to instill discipline and professionalism.

1:00: Meeting with Jeff begins.

1:02: Listen as Jeff demands to be consulted on every decision involving an expense of over $10, to be updated hourly for 2 weeks prior to the trading deadline, and to be made aware of which girls on the Pepsi Party Patrol are DTF.

1:07: Continue to listen as Jeff makes clear he will continue as Mets’ scouting director, not to mention Mets’ primary advance scout. Jeff insists he can do this from his office, using CbsSportsline’s Pitch tracker and Microsoft Bing.

1:20: Present notes as Wilpon checks his BlackBerry repeatedly.

1:24: Dismissed by Jeff with admonition to “Go check on Jimmy, make sure he’s still breathing.”

2:03: Set up own computer.

2:04: Look up “DTF” on Google.

2:05: Regret decision.

3:00: Interviews with Mets beat reporters. Repeatedly asked how Mets can be fixed/rebuilt/resurrected. Evade question, not really sure how to answer…

3:30: Walk to bathroom. See Fred walking down hallway with arm around Wally Backman.

3:32: Sudden case of diarrhea.

3:40: Swallow 5 aspirin with second scotch.

3:50: Remove sticky note from office door: “Press conference @ 4. Please check on Jimmy. –Jeff”

4:00: Impromptu press conference announcing Wally Backman as the next manager of the New York Mets.

4:20: Walk back to office, notice a red-faced Backman in Jimmy’s room, holding a controller and shouting something about a “head shot.”

5:15: Take phone call from Fred.

5:45: Consider slitting own wrists after half-hour exposition on the latest David Brooks article.

6:40: Daydream about raiding pharmacias in the DR.

7:00: Leave facility. Hit traffic.

Ed. Note - Jimmy Wilpon, in all likelihood, does not exist. Just seems like the kind of entitled, unproductive guy the Wilpons would have on their payroll.

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Tags: mets, alderson, jimmy, jimmywilpon, sandy, sandyalderson, shirtless tony bernazard, shirtlesstonybernazard, wilpon


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